15 May 2013

Mommying and Mommies

There is this one day each year when I gather up my thoughts on mothers and mothering and try to tie them in neat little bundles.   Most years, my efforts stink.

Mother's Day.

I love being  a mommy.

And yet, isn't it the largest challenge of a woman's life?

My Mother's Day thoughts include many others... my mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my sister, my friends... but there are these 3 other people who I will not forget on a day that honors life-givers;    3 mothers who chose to give life to 3 little people who dance around my house... Adam's first mom, Aaron's first mom and Cumi Joy's first mom.

I love these women.    I really do.  After everything.

Last night, I had a rare conversation with Adam.   We sat in the pitch black of our porch and stared at the beautiful moon and cloud formation.   He marveled at God's creation and dreamed of a magic ladder to take him to visit God.

In the dark, I felt safe to ask him this...  'If you could ask me any question, what would you ask?"

Expecting to hear a question about ninjas, dragons or zombies, I was shocked when my almost 7 year old asked me to tell him 'about my 'doption.'   (adoption)    Not wanting to give more information than he was asking for, I tried to clarify.   He wanted to know it 'all' and start from the beginning.

Well.

I tell ya.  Alex and I have wondered about how this question would come up and what we would say.  We never expected it to be at this age...

The conversation was beautiful. 

Somewhere in the middle, something clicked for him and he asked me, 'did I have another name before I met you?'

This topic has been a sore one for me.  If I could reverse the hands of time, I would reconsider giving our little boys two different names than their first moms gave.    Couldn't I have honored these women and their choices better by doing this one thing... preserving the name they gave?

With Cumi Joy, we are determined to keep her name and to honor the fact that it was given with love and special meaning.

With our boys, we wanted them to have the 'A' names that our other children had.  It wasn't a bad thing, just short-sighted.

As my time with Adam came to an end, I asked him this... "does our talk make you feel sad inside or happy?"    He crawled up in my lap and said ... 'I feel happy."

As do I, Adam.    As do I.

24 April 2013

Discomforts Revisited

A missionary friend here read my post yesterday;  she understands all too well the discomforts of this life.   Our e-mail conversation got me thinking further about my own comfort or lack thereof...

When I am physically comfortable, I have a harder time believing that I need God to come through.   In fact, in my comfort, I may even be lulled into a false belief that I have it all under control.    When I am comfortable, I don't seek His face as often or as intensely.   When I am comfortable, I'm often spiritually asleep.

In my discomfort, I am so desperate for God to show up that I cling to His very Word.  I turn back to Him and know that there stands my Firm Foundation.   In my discomfort, I am more awake spiritually because there is a battle going on in my emotions that desperately needs to know that my Redeemer LIVES!   In my discomfort, I'm more likely to reach out to the dearest of friends who remind me that God is at work, rather than chiding me for my 'little faith.' 

So, while we all experience the difficulties of life, the hard times, the hard news, the storms;   we do differ in our levels of physical and emotional comfort.   This is not a bad thing.  

One may have more creature comfort than another, but less emotional peace.   One may have great peace in the midst of intense physical discomfort.    We have all seen this first hand, haven't we?  The poorest of poor with joy unimaginable ...   In some seasons, we may experience both creature comforts and amazing emotional comfort at the very same time - praise God for those times of reprieve and rest!

The important thing, from my limited perspective, lies in allowing God to work His refining transformation regardless where the discomfort lies.    When I allow Him in, right at the moment of desperate discomfort, He turns that grumbling into gratitude and at the end of the day, I just might be ready to face the discomforts of tomorrow a little better than I did yesterday.


Are you uncomfortable in some way?  If so, listen closely... what is God showing you in the middle of it all?   Don't miss it!

23 April 2013

Grumbling and Gratitude

There are some things I try to avoid talking about here in this space...    no one wants to hear about the day-to-day challenges,  so I just try to avoid anything that sounds like complaining in this very public environment.     

Life is hard... in every corner of the world.   My life here is not harder than yours in the US.  

And yet, there are some things here that are uncomfortable, often, very uncomfortable;  this is reality.   

Rather than bore you with the details, I will simply ask you for your prayers.   This season is one where the lack of certain comforts has taken its toll on our lives, individually and collectively.   

Regardless how uncomfortable things get, I can quickly find examples of many whose lives are much, much more challenging than mine.   

This brings me to a thankful place once again... grateful for the little things like reading aloud with my kids, a butane stove that doesn't depend upon electricity,  a phone that allow me to text internationally for free when my phone is charged.   Grateful for the big things like 5 growing children, 5 projects moving forward, new missionaries coming to join us in 2014, a God who sees and knows and cares.

Lord, turn my grumbling and complaining into thanking and praising!


03 April 2013

Always Unwrapping

Just when I feel like I've laid my last offering out there on the altar, when I feel empty and unable to offer even one smile more... just when my eyes close in exhaustion with one more knock at the door...

a gift arrives.

These last few weeks the following sweet gifts have arrived in my hands from people we helped in the past:    pounds and pounds of fresh beans,  a puppy, cashews (hand-peeled and open-fire roasted), yucca, and amazing flowers and fruit trees.

Each time I go out to our new property, I find another flower planted or an orange, coconut, papaya or avocado tree planted... without cost, with love by our little neighbors.  

What to do with all of this love?

In a season of frustration on project delays, missing home, transitions and deathly heat,  I think I will just sit down with a cold Honduran Coca-Cola and unwrap these precious offerings... one-by-one.  And as I cook those beans, may I see the heart in the gift.    Though they have little, they give so generously.

Unwrapping.

18 March 2013

My Anwers to the Questions of the Last Post

As I read back over my last post on marriage, I realized something... I left out so many important details and much that I already knew about functioning 'families' here.   That happens, you see.  I sit to write something and forget that you do not have my brain :) ... lucky you!

I asked questions at the end;  I love the Socratic method.    Asking questions allows me to provoke without showing my hand.   Don't you love that?  

What are my answers?

Mostly, I lean into grace...  it is the only thing that keeps me moving forward.  Grace for mothers who have 7 children by different men, none of whom are involved in their children's lives;  grace for churches who put heavy burdens on people such that there is no awareness of how to love without rules and conditions;   grace for myself when I feel so alone, inadequate, scared, ignorant - you name it.  Grace.

As a friend to many women here, the example of a marriage is something I can share.    As a follower of Jesus, the example of a life sold out to Him is something I can share.    As an imperfect mama, the example of mistakes and redemption is something I can share.

I love Jesus.

Oh, how He loved the woman at the well!   He was gentle, yet firm.   He was mysterious in His presentation, yet simultaneously simplistic.   He offered something eternal to a shunned woman.

He revealed Himself to her!

"I am He," Jesus said.   He revealed Himself to a woman of a culture the Jewish people ignored.

Jesus is breath-taking, beautiful, brilliant.

If He were sitting in that outdoor kitchen with me,  He would be revealing Himself to Miskito women - forgotten women by Honduran society standards.  He would be sharing Himself with them and offering living water.

Oh, how He loves me!  He is gentle, yet firm.   He has been mysterious in His presentation to me, yet simultaneously simplistic.   He offered me, a stained woman, eternal redemption.

He revealed Himself to me;  and the least I can do is attempt to share Him with others.

These are my answers to my own questions.

Be blessed today, friends.  And may Jesus reveal Himself to you, right where you are.  May He offer you living water today and may you drink deeply of it and be satisfied.

16 March 2013

Thoughts on Marriage

Long-neglected, but not forgotten... my blog.

So, I'll just jump right in, I suppose.

I'm still a learner.  God help me if this perspective ever changes.   As I make my way around town, day-to-day,  100% of the time I'm the one who is challenged by the things I find, by the people I meet.

A few examples... 

I sat in a small outdoor kitchen with two women about my age and 10 of our kids.   They had heard about the school and were eager to flesh out the details of how they could contribute and if I would grant their daughters a position in the school.    

One lady asked me if we had any extra rice, I said yes and that Alex could bring it to her the next day.   Somehow we got on the subject of my husband.  They both told me they were a bit scared of him because of his size.   I said something like, 'Well, he really is just a softie.  He doesn't hit or scream and I love him.'   After I said, 'He doesn't hit me', their jaws dropped in disbelief.  

Seriously.

They could not fathom that a man, a husband, did not hit his wife.   Culturally, this is the norm.  I have heard with my own ears women say that because their man hits them, they know he loves them.

Does this hurt your heart like it does mine?

Along those lines, I will share that legal marriage itself is not a common thing around here.   There is a relationship called a 'free union' that most couples see as their best option.  Why?   Because to legally marry is expensive AND they don't want to divorce because divorce is against God's law.

The irony of this statement is not lost on me.  

I do know one family that has 9 kids where the husband and wife are still together and all of the children are of the union of these two... same dad, same mom.   This couple lives in our new neighborhood.     They are as poor as can be, but they are all living together in a small Habitat for Humanity home.    Their youngest child was born with hydrocephalus;  she was a twin, but her twin died early on.    This family appears faithful to their church and the father appears hard-working and extraordinarily knowledgeable about gardening (more on this later).     We do not yet know if their marriage is 'legal' or not...

What do you think about this?   Is it so abhorrent to you that you would not get close to these women or can you accept this as a cultural norm and a starting place for building a relationship? 

Can you see yourself loving these women or judging them?  Why or why not?

Where do you think Jesus would begin?  

I think of the woman at the well...  living water,  Jesus sees it all and while not minimizing 'all of it', He offers something different, something that will leave a lasting, forever impression.

Just some thoughts for a rainy Saturday.


23 February 2013

Gossip and Snakes

This Wednesday brought surprise news...

according to news radio here in our town, there were 2 anacondas that escaped into our lagoon and were making their way around the lagoon villages eating cows, chickens and looking hungrily at children.

Worse yet, the rumor focused around a supposed 'gringa' who brought these 2 beasts into La Moskitia years ago to raise.  Supposedly, she had a hidden pool and fed them cow meat.

Reportedly, the purpose for her possession of these deadly creatures was this... to exterminate the Miskito people.

I know, it sounds absolutely far-fetched.  Especially when the gringa they are accusing is a friend of mine.     And when we are all trying to share nothing more than the love of Christ through Word and deed.

There were many who called in to the radio show and felt like all gringos needed to be sent out of the area because there was no true way to know who was good or who was bad.   This was a tad bit unsettling.

The last few days, we have brought this topic up with everyone we know;  we have initiated conversations and asked questions so that we can add our part to the story.    It was important that we bring it into the light instead of allowing this to grow larger and larger.

For the last few days, we've been met with more than a few odd looks which is completely out of the norm for our lives here.

Today, I walked to a friend's house fully expecting to see some faces that would not even look into mine.  And yet, it seems the hysteria may have passed.    'Buenas dias' and 'Hola' and numerous smiling faces peered back at me... and my heart was sorely relieved.

As I've told you before, one never knows what a day will bring in La Moskitia.

Really though, gossip is world-wide;  not limited to any region.   

Gossip is serious business and it hurts, directly and indirectly.     Let us stand firm against the sin of gossip that so easily entangles us and causes so much harm.

20 February 2013

Bit-by-Bit

In the gospel You lavish us with your love, liberate us by your grace and launch us into your transforming story of redemption.  - Everyday Prayers by Scotty Smith

The last few months have held much:

  • Incredibly awesome trip to Disney World with our dear friends.
  • Our US trip FLEW by in a whisper...  and we are back home in Honduras, settled in.
  • I've found that home does not mean a singular place that holds your heart;   for me, home reflects many places that I have known as a refuge of comfort and love.   
  • Aaron started a Kindergarten class with the new missionary living at Mama Tara's, Linda.  He is really thriving in this 4-day morning program.  It is working for him and we all get excited to welcome him home for lunch and hear about his day.
  • Alex and I have taken on a different role in the Reach Out Honduras organization.  We are the Executive Directors.  Much responsibility has been taken off of our shoulders and given to very capable, willing friends.    This is a relief and frees us up to dream big and to love on the Miskito people - two of our favorite things to do.
  • We visited many wonderful churches... the longer we are here, the more people God adds to the mission.    The future for Reach Out Honduras is much bigger than the 2 of us and this is exciting... long after we are gone, there will be youth and creativity to bring to the task of sharing Christ here.    How do we begin to thank Him for this gift?!
  • Our oldest, Aidan, will be 13 soon and ready to spread his wings.  We are hoping that he can experience a neat camp for third-culture kids at Oklahoma Christian University, called Global Reunion.    Right now, he will be in the US for around 4 weeks...  he is ready.  
  • Cumi Joy is almost 11 months.   She is squealing, navigating around furniture on her feet, laughing and cutting teeth.    It is incredible how her presence in our family has added so many smiles.
  • Spiritually speaking,  I'm committed this year to reading through the Gospels again and again.  I want to know on a more internalized level exactly what Jesus said and how He lived.
  • 2013 will be a big year for building and planning for the school.  Just putting our anticipated budget on paper has me anxious...  fearless TRUST, I'm back to that once more.

True dependence is not simply asking Me (Jesus) to bless what you have decided to do.  It is coming to Me with an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you.  I may infuse you with a dream that seems far beyond your reach.  You know that in yourself you cannot reach such a goal.  Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me.  - Jesus Calling

23 January 2013

Back to the Basics

This trip has taught me much about my limitations... being in the US always does such.

First,  I simply cannot navigate well my to-do list, our obligations to Reach Out Honduras and family.   Something always suffers... family.  

In our wildest dreams, we never expected that Reach Out Honduras would resonate with so many people.   We are humble and grateful.   And yet, knowing that we are not Reach Out Honduras, we asked our Board to make some changes and plan for the future of a ministry that is bigger than any one family.  

Second, I must return to the basics... what I know works.    Jesus, Alex, my kids, family, friends and only then, ministry.   My first job is my family and I've been sorely missing as a mama during our US time.   My patience has run thin, my encouragement is too infrequent and my kids and husband miss out because of it.  

Third, blogging may have to take a back seat for a while.  While I love and need to write,  perhaps my motive comes off as less than sincere.   So, I'm going to pull back, work on family and ministry and post here when there is truly something to share;  maybe only once per month.

Thank you for caring, thank you for taking the time to assume the best of me, thank you for friendship and understanding.   


28 December 2012

Perfect Love

Our Christmas celebrations were perfect... time with family, great food, excited kids and SNOW!  Our kids had literally prayed for some snow during our visit.  And it came on Christmas Day.   That was fun!

I thoroughly enjoyed myself at each and every turn.   We have shared meals with so many friends these last few weeks.   It seems as if we are on the receiving end of love each and every day.    It is this part of missionary life that gets me every time.

We used to think we were the 'givers.'   When we lived in the US, we found such joy in sharing our stuff with others... 

Now, it just seems like we are the 'takers.' 

If you want to be humbled, sit in a room full of young couples who are working to secure a future for their families as they lay gifts at your feet and act like it is their joy to give to a middle-aged couple.   That was tough to swallow, but oh, so beautiful.  

Their sacrificial surprises for our family are the type of thing that makes love tangible.   We had so much fun with them... pigging out, playing games and enjoying the good news of babies on the way:  biological and adoptive.    We were loved.

What makes it so hard to receive extravagant gifts?   What makes me want to shrug off all of the attention and generosity?     What makes it difficult to accept radical love from others?

It is ultimately pride, I know. 

But it feels more like this... I have absolutely nothing of worldly value to give in return.   I used to...but today, in this season, I have nothing.

Empty hands, receiving an amazing outpouring of love.    

Sounds a lot like how I feel when I look at the cross of Christ.   My hands have nothing to give that could ever repay His generosity.   My paltry offering pales in return.

That is Love.  
One way to encourage this missionary family... comments!