Most days, I just live life here, trying my best to survive and to pour some of the Love that Jesus has lavishly poured on me out on a few thirsty folk. I mark weeks with Bible study on Wednesday, Scrabble on Friday and rest on Sunday.
When teams come to work with us, my weeks are marked quite distinctly. Lots of time talking in my heart language; lots of questions coming my way; lots of hard work accomplishing great things for children we love; lots of laughter and gratitude.
Something else happens to me when friends from the US visit; I begin to view myself and my family through what their eyes might see. My lens seems to change and suddenly I'm not enough or, alternatively, I'm too much. Not enough of a missionary, not enough of a mom... not enough. Too much of a Jesus Freak, too much running-at-the-mouth... too much. It is my old 'friend' insecurity, returning to suck the joy right out of my days.
When other gringos are here, I find myself examining every aspect of our life here. Often, I'm certain they want to go back the US, call us crazy and send someone to come fetch us out of our lunacy.
Questions about gunshots, roaches, earwax, anemia, parasites, adults with untreated hydrocephalus, filth ... all is my normal. Staring into new eyes, I see it reflected back at me. All is abnormal.
I listen to myself answering questions and I just want to shut myself up for a minute or maybe for a lifetime. If I just don't speak, maybe we can all pretend this is paradise, because it certainly appears to be paradise on the outside.
Wrestling with holy tension, once more. Who am I? What was I made to do? Who am I worshiping when I worry about not being enough? Whose standard of too much am I using?
I'm just right... right where I belong; the right mix of mom and missionary; the right amount of Jesus; just right for today, for these children, for this place, for these friends.
Thank God, He's made me just right.